The Herd

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David Behrens

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The upcoming gubernatorial election is fast approaching,

prompting our own fine citizens to either:

a) Pretend they know about the issues and care.

b) SHOW everyone EXACTLY how much they clearly care by bombarding us with signs.

No matter what rhetorically rousing bumper sticker you’re proudly displaying on your Altima, chances are that it won’t influence the political opinion of the driver directly behind you (particularly if you’re going 70 or less in the left lane, which, need I remind you, is worse than giving someone Ebola). However, if you ARE so in the dark about Maine’s political issues that you trust the texting, middle-aged hipster in front of you, there is a better option. I’ll just give you the run-down of what’s going on in this race.
Paul LePage is wackier than a hammer on crack. Let’s face this fact. If you want to censor a labor-themed mural in town hall, that’s fine. Call the IRS “a new Gestapo,” fine. Say that Obama hates white people, fine (though, judging by his domestic policy decisions, he hates ALL of us equally).
LePage REALLY crossed the line when he said “If you want a good education, go to private schools. If you can’t afford it, tough luck. You can go to public school.” I resent that, because it implies that our public schools aren’t adept at teaching us about the important things in life, like compromising for the sake of political correctness. I, for one, appreciate the fact that I can get such a decent education in a building that was last updated before LePage was even born (or, as I suspect, crawled out of that gross pink sludge from ‘Ghostbusters 2’). Besides, his statement implies that private schools nearby are somehow superior to public schools. If THAT was true, we wouldn’t laugh at Berwick and Waynflete for being preppy little tryhards, rivaled only by the KHS golf team. Of course,LePage’s comment is one of many inappropriate, albeit wholly insignificant statements that he makes for fun when there’s a break in his ‘stepping on puppies’ schedule.
Having established that LePage is cray cray, let me be the first to say that I’d choose him over Michaud any day of the week (Except Monday. I hate Mondays anyway). Mike Michaud does seem like a nice guy, I’ll give him that much. However, there are plenty of reasons that I am TERRIFIED of him winning, and I’m not even sure where to start.
Michaud is on that good ol’ bandwagon of raising the minimum wage. By a LOT. I mean, I need $15 an hour to survive and make sure my mansion is well-maintained just like the next guy, but economically speaking, I’ll probably end up worse off once my employer fires me because they can’t afford me, at the exact same time that prices for everything skyrocket.
However, lucky for me, I’ll be helped out by the mandate on health insurance, which comes at the conveniently low cost of an arm, leg, left buttock, and soul. Michaud’s cutting-edge healthcare plan includes a revolutionary surgery which drills right through your common sense, down into your wallet, and pulls out all that money that was bothering you.
Now, despite the widespread implementation of what are actually (no joke) called ‘Contractionary Monetary Policies,’ you can be sure that Michaud plans to GROW the economy, because he loves to use the word ‘invest,’ which better describes my autumn fashion choices (get it?) than legitimate economic strategy. I’m all for spending tons and tons of money, but usually it’s my own, and it goes to things that help me (like food for my advisory, because I’m awesome). But if we pour money into ‘technology and infrastructure’ (represented by Chromebooks and that new road near Granite St. in Biddeford, respectively), I’m sure we won’t regret it at ALL.
So, we know that LePage is basically a political version of Jameis Winston (look it up if you need to), whereas Michaud is a lot like that 4-year-old who thinks he knows everything (most of which, incidentally, are smarter than Jameis Winston). So, that leaves Eliot Cutler, who greatly reminds me of legendary fusion jazz drummer Dave Weckl, in that he’s pretty good, but you have NO idea who he is. I’d be glad to start a “Settle 4 Eliot 2k14” campaign endorsing the environmental lawyer, but for one thing, it’s too late, and for another, I have a much better option to propose.
I, David Behrens, should run for governor. Don’t laugh, it’s not a joke. I am dead serious about this, and I have some sound reasoning. All things considered, it would actually be MUCH easier for the state of Maine to change the law to allow for a 17-year-old to be governor than it would be to sit through 4 more years of LeRage, or, God forbid, Me-Shoe. Or Cutler (Who? Oh, right.). You can rest assured that I, having NO political experience whatsoever (excepting the Exchange City Mayorship), and very little experience watching House of Cards, would make an AMAZING governor.
My early pledges include banning ‘Frozen’ from our educational system, implementing an annual “Make Fun of Canada Day,” and having the Biddeford and Kennebunk High
School students switch school buildings so as to match up our classiness levels much more accurately. So, there are two ways to get this train rolling. I could start a paper petition and hand deliver it to LePage at the Blaine House (or at his home address in Tartarus). Or else, we could start a petition on WhiteHouse.gov. This would certainly count as the most significant accomplishment in the petition page’s history, closely followed by the campaign to deport Justin Bieber back to Canada (not to undermine that triumph).
I may not make it to having a fancy spot on the ballot, but I am confident that I can win office through the write-in vote system. My main obstacle is the fact that most people can’t spell Behrens (it’s spelled “Behrens”) or pronounce it (rhymes with “Scarin’s”). Please know that your vote counts, unless you’re from Florida in 2004, and that you are part of the grassroots movement to make Maine a better place.

B – E – H – R – E – N – S.

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