Shut Up About “The Dress”
This bizarre fad will last a couple days, tops, so I have to say this quick: Calm the collective heck down, society. In regards to what, you may ask? Listen to the heated debate of your smartphone-donning friends five feet away and you’ll quickly understand: The Dress.
I don’t exactly know what’s going on here, much like many other members of society (also known as ‘people with literally anything important to do’), but I’ve got an idea. So, apparently, there’s this dress, and there’s a picture of it, and some people think it’s white and gold, whereas others think it’s blue and black (spoiler: it’s white and gold). The disparity over a simple visual perception has got Twitter and our entire school up in arms. OVER A FREAKING DRESS. I don’t know about you, Rampage reader(s), but I think this is kind of ridiculous.
How did this get started? When will it end? Why is it so important? These are questions that I can’t answer personally, but society may attempt to do it for me. Made-up sources Girl A (We’ll call her “Suzie”) and Guy B (Let’s say “Karl”) both had opinions to offer.
“The dress is, like, totally blue and black,” Suzie assures me. Karl, hearing this, bustles over.
“No, see, look, it’s CLEARLY white and gold,” Karl says self-importantly, turning up his nose before Suzie punches him in the face. The two proceed to violently fight, physically and verbally, for the next hour... OVER A FREAKING DRESS. Then Karl sues me for a previous Rampage article because apparently the truth is “offensive.”
Anyway, this is the most interesting way I can portray this debate. A fist fight. It’s really pretty stupid, not to mention downright boring. At the time of writing, people have cared about this issue for 15 straight hours, and are still getting heated OVER. A. FREAKING. DRESS.
The WORST part of this whole thing is the group of people (excepting myself) who try to show that they’re above simple nattering by talking about it in a different way. “Well, the science of The Dress is actually really interesting,” sneers Girl C (Yvette), frantically scrolling down the Buzzfeed explanation on her smartphone. “See, light perception can vary
based on whether you’re nearsighted or farsighted, and your mood, because of your brain’s connection to sensors in your retinae, and blah blah and also blah, so obviously the whole way we perceive the blah is blah because of Bush did 9/11 blah.” Okay, maybe Yvette’s a bit crazy (or “cray,”), but I’m hearing this kind of gar-bahj EVERYWHERE (and all OVER A FREAKING DRESS). Yeah, you can spell “retinae,” with a little help, but can you say “pretentious?”
Now, I know just how obnoxious it can be for people around the school and social media to act holier-than-thou by nagging everyone to talk about more important things. The thing is, those whiny fools are kind of right. Moreover, by using this online newspaper medium, it seems I am more important than any of them. Ha ha ha. The point is, there are better things for people to care about. What people are REALLY passionate about is shown by what they argue about in person, not just by pretentiously retweeting some Associated Press report about Egypt.
And out of all the things to cause societal uproar (ever since the Grammys), we chose A FREAKING DRESS! Why can’t we come to some new conclusions about ISIS? Where’s the discussion about tax rates? Heck, kids these days are ten times more concerned with whether A FREAKING DRESS is black and blue than they ever were about Chris Brown making Rihanna black and blue by beating the daylights out of her (dear world-- this happened). So I say we drop this subject entirely. Get it out of your system. And then study up on one of these much more exciting topics:
-Boko Haram -ISIS -Healthcare -The new renovation outline -The futility of our ‘secret senior project’ -The upcoming KHS ‘Fiddler on the Roof’ production -Hilary Clinton’s claim that she and Bill were extremely poor (“Dead Broke”) after leaving the White House (to be fair,
Bill’s website subscriptions get pretty pricey [I ripped that joke off from NPR])
-Creative Ways to ask David Behrens to prom
Alright, so I hope your research goes well! Remember to see Fiddler tonight, and if you’re just reading this article weeks after its release, good luck struggling to remember when there was ever an argument over a dress. Have fun in the future!