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Spirit Weakness

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     What a good time to be a senior! As you may have heard,
Spirit Week is coming up, and I, for one, feel extremely
confident about my chances as a member of the Class of 2015.
Winning Spirit Week is just one of the many experiences I plan
to enjoy as a Senior over the next 3 months. Since I’m a typical
representative of our class, allow me to lead you through the
mystical journey on which I, and the rest of my esteemed
classmates, will embark very soon.
     The magic starts next week, when I’ll get to help represent
the Seniors in Spirit Week. Trust us, we’ve been in complete,
harmonious agreement about our Air Band theme for quite a while
now. This is all thanks to the consummate leadership of the
bureaucratic wonderful people on our Executive Council. We’re so
lucky to have such in-touch, thoughtful guys and gals to make
most of our decisions for us without asking. It really helps us
come together and create a strong, winning performance, as we
have for the past 3 years.
     During each day of the week, I’ll enjoy laughing at the
Freshmen, Sophomores and Juniors who actually go to the trouble
of dressing up to match the day’s theme, winning points for
their class. What nerds! Everyone knows that trying to win
Spirit Week is lame, as is coming to school in general. Luckily,
I know what it means to be cool, so I’ll just dress normally
like most other seniors, and that won’t matter, because I’ll
probably just cut class anyway! Ahh, I love 2015.
     I WILL make sure I show up to after-school events, though.
In fact, I’ll let you in on a little secret: The Class of 2015
is unique, in that we let other classes win these events. We
really care about others’ feelings, and we enjoy the
satisfaction we get from watching joyous little freshmen crush
us in Bombardment. It’s a heart-warming thing. I mean, why did
you THINK we come in last in most events? We’re just that nice.
You’re welcome.
     I’ll get to relax at home after my event, but only for a
little while, because then I get to go to... wait for it... Air Band
practice! Being a Class of 2015 boy, of course I’m obligated to
smoke quite a bit of marijuana, and wash it down with copious
amounts of alcohol, right before practice. That way, I can show
up hopelessly intoxicated! The gentlemen in this great class
have made a point of utilizing illicit drugs to help make us
more productive in our practices, and our results speak for
themselves. Once I’m at practice, during the occasional hour-and-
a-half breaks we take to screw around, I’ll make sure to pay
close attention to the interchangeable shrill girls yelling at
me. Being members of the Executive Council, they have our
routine meticulously planned, and are great at getting us to
execute it properly. So, you can look forward to a close-to-
perfect Air Band from me and my friends in the Class of 2015.
     At the end of the week, I’ll be sure to go to the Spirit
Week Dance. Because what could be better than paying 20 dollars
to stand around in a dark gym, listening to ear-splitting pop
music? I, like any real person, will leave the dance after 5
minutes. After all, tradition dictates that we allow our pals
the Juggalos to use the gym for the remainder of the evening.
But I’ll make sure I’ve been counted, so I can earn even more
Spirit Week points for the seniors -- points which, as we know,
matter greatly, and make a real difference.
     Once Spirit Week is over, I won’t have any time to be
bummed out about it; it’ll be time to start thinking about the
senior project! Oh boy, am I excited about this opportunity.
Instead of going to 2 weeks of extremely relaxed class time, I
plan on working at least 50 hours for a company I don’t know or
care about. The best part is, I don’t get paid! Isn’t that swell?
     After my diligent intern work is done, I’ll finally get to
graduate. I’m itching with anticipation for marching practice; I
just can’t wait to be coached for 3 hours on how to walk
incredibly slowly in a scorching gown that makes me look like a
tool! When I actually do graduate, of course I’ll be more than
happy to permeate the summer air with the toxic fumes of a
stogie, or whatever they’re called.
     Well, we seniors have quite a journey ahead of us. I’m
giddily anticipating the next 3 months of laughter, happiness
and friendship. Because after all, magic is real, unicorns are
your friends, and our school is perfectly structurally sound. We
seniors are on a good course to live happily ever after.

The End

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Kennebunk High School's quarterly magazine
Spirit Weakness