Kennebunk was recently voted one of the safest towns in Maine — a reasonable distinction, given the fact that our school’s out-of-date wiring and lack of sprinklers is more dangerous than any of our students. Also, the town itself is basically about as intense as your average Chuck-E-Cheese, except substitute the children for mildly impolite elderly people and substitute the fun for coffee shops and banks. Let’s face it– the dangerous people in our society aren’t stepping up. It’s not enough to try and sell me illicit contraband — you gotta go the extra mile, blackmail me and threaten me with blunt objects, and tell me that if Ray-Ray come sniffin’ round these parts looking for a tip, I don’t go droppin’ a dime, I dig?

Anyway, I think high school students are the start to a scarier future, and let’s face it, ours are just lazy. Maybe this is the product of lenient teachers, who don’t teach kids to work hard and strive for goals in life, no matter WHAT they entail. Let’s be honest: If anyone has the capacity to complete a night’s worth of AP US homework, they are easily capable of running a black market and robbing a free library for profit in about the same amount of time. The problem is, we don’t have enough teachers pushing kids to their limit this way. How are we supposed to move out of this lame “safe zone” without a substantial basis of work ethic? It’s just wrong.

I see some real potential in this school, but the candidates for future danger all seem to be tired all the time. They need some guidance, motivation, and energy. I think the recently proposed later start time for schools may help solve this problem. It gives our young criminals great chances to engage in illegal activities on a full night of sleep, and it gives those early birds more time to get things done in the morning, such as popping caps and such.

One final problem is that our potential young troublemakers, intentionally or not, seem to organize themselves into cliques, which may intimidate less experienced delinquents. I think if Kennebunk’s elite do a better job of networking, they can reach out much more effectively to young talents, and make lifelong connections.

In conclusion, I would say that we need to get motivated, and put forth some effort. Let’s get out of the nerd zone and start upsetting the establishment! After all, the main reason I want to see more crime is so we can all get to see Officer Carney go ham stopping it, which I think we can all agree would be AWESOME. So please wake up and get us back into “cool” territory, so that the next poll brings us up to the level of our revered superiors of Biddeford, Sanford, and Bedford-Stuyvesant. It starts here, Kennebunk.