The Herd

Class Warfare

David Behrens

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         There’s a nice vibe at KHS this time of year. All in all, it seems like the Fall is going really well (unless you’re a football player, touchy parent, renovation advocate, or voter). However, by the sound of things, you’d think our seniors were being forced to hand-scribe a Harry Reid filibuster while listening to Kenny G. If you don’t get references, that means seniors are in a bad mood. What’s the deal? According to many of our outstanding class of 2015 members, the proverbial ‘deal’ is (cue scary music) Senioritis.

As we all know, laziness is the general aversion to responsibility and work. However, Senioritis is better described as the general aversion to responsibility and work as a SENIOR. The harsh truth is that this condition has been plaguing our school and schools everywhere since shortly after laziness was even invented. And to make matters worse, nobody’s even doing anything about it.

Senioritis is a lot like Ebola. It’s a highly reputed, contagious, and hysteria-inducing disease. Moreover, despite the fact that Americans are possibly the least likely people to catch it, they will most definitely consider themselves completely entitled to endlessly whine and panic about it. Hey. Seniors. CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE. Hating work doesn’t make you a pitiful victim of some disease, it just makes you one of Ms. Carlson’s students.

So why does Senioritis exist? Well, there are many reasons. For one, seniors are TIRED. I mean, personally, I think it’s funny that a class whose members are often capable of skipping first block, or even entire days, can’t manage to get some sleep, but homework, Netflix and Yik Yak are pretty powerful entities.

Besides, how can you NOT be tired when you have so much work to do? Seniors have a really tough course load, in case you were wondering. Besides, when you’re generally not required to take as many classes as in previous years, it makes your remaining classes seem that much more annoying. Ugh.

And then, there’s the big one… applying to (DUN DUN DUNNNNN) College. Yeah, this can be a little stressful, even for the most well-organized senior (Spoiler alert — That’s not me). But there is a way to get through this tough time — STOP WHINING ABOUT IT AND GET OVER YOURSELF. Most everyone applies to college, and pretending that the drawn-out, heavily assisted process is somehow wrecking your life is about as wrong as the idea of Mr. Bruce Lewia standing on your doorstep, tap-dancing in heels. Filling out a couple of forms and writing a couple of very short essays could only possibly be ‘stressful’ because of what it all means, which is your future, after all. But, all things considered, there’s no reason to sweat this. I mean, if Governor LePage can get into college, so can you.

It’s pretty obvious that Senioritis is a textbook example of none other than the Placebo Effect (look it up or ask Mr. Carp). For instance, if people latched on to a rumor that Freshmenitis was a legitimate condition, people (especially Freshmen) would totally buy it. Then, they’d take full advantage of this opportunity to explain that the only reason they’re complaining about easy work, carrying ridiculously heavy backpacks, and being generally obnoxious is because of Freshmanitis.

So step up, Class of 2015. You KNOW something’s wrong when I’m equating our own behavior to that of the freshmen (albeit less successful, come Spirit Week). So get your stuff together, and do what Seniors are SUPPOSED to do — whine about OTHER stuff. I’d recommend Alex from Target.

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Class Warfare