Are you feeling the love, KHS? I am. It’s currently
saturating the cold winter air and permeating my lungs like
magic, or arsenic. It can only mean one thing: It’s almost
Valentine’s Day in Kennebunk! So wake up, smell the roses, and
grab your wallets, because it’s time to celebrate.
Valentine’s Day is a very important holiday custom in which
guys, pressured by societal standards, peer pressure, and
passive-aggressive nagging, spend approximately 3 times the
monetary value of their existence on a variety of pink stuff.
Meanwhile, their target audience, girls, are off educating the
world about what a corporate scam Valentine’s Day is, because
after all, free chocolate carries a lot of stress. After
observing the customs of being generally awkward and going to
Physics class, society usually goes to my house, finishes some
homework, and tries to fall asleep without hating itself.
However, because February 14, 2015 is a Saturday, society will
sleep in and then go to work.
Okay, that’s just me (sorry you had to hear that). People
do a lot of things on Valentine’s Day, suffice it to say that
many make a point to spend some quality time with bae. Others
try to attain bae. Generally, people are compelled to consider
bae, but what if we stopped thinking about things like that?
Chocolate, flowers, and money are always in everyone’s face, and
that’s fine. But I say we start to rethink this holiday, and I
say we make it more introvert-friendly.
How do you recreate Valentine’s Day in the spirit of being
single and depressing, but ALSO fun? There are a few options.
The first, most obvious is to rename it Behrens day, but people
would probably either spell it wrong or confuse the founder for
his brother Josh. Another way is to simply ignore it. Many brave
souls have attempted this in the past, punctuating their effort
with Twitter-based public service announcements such as, “LOOK
AT ME I’M BEING LOW KEY AND IGNORING VALENTINE’S DAY BECAUSE
IT’S POINTLESS, WHO’S WITH ME?! #SinglePplRule2k15.”
Because you have probably never read about what a
commercialized load of garbage (pronounced gar-BAHJ) Valentine’s
Day is, let me educate you. The giant, heartless entity known as
Corporate America, as it must have during 2014 Midterm Elections,
has brainwashed this great nation’s impressionable
citizens. Ordinary people (who, let me assure you, are