Cauc Talk

What even is a caucus?

Cauc Talk

Most of you probably expected an explanation of what exactly a caucus is, but that is not the case. I am here not to inform, but to spread even more ignorance of the inner workings of the U.S. government. So I ask you, what is a caucus? It sounds like something that you would apply to your walls to cover up a hole that Grandma punched after Uncle Jerry decided that it would be so funny to spike the eggnog with the flask of scotch that he always has because he’s a forty year old manchild who refuses to pick up a broom and sweep up the shattered pieces of his dreams that shattered after his self-proclaimed “bum knee” stopped him from going pro. THAT’S RIGHT, JERRY! WE KNOW YOU’RE A LIAR! EVERYONE KNOWS! YOU PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET, AND THEN YOU FUMBLED THE BASKET!

Anyways, what’s a caucus? I know that Hillary Clinton won the one in Iowa, so is it like a potato or something? Where even is Iowa? I know it’s a state, but what do they do? I have never once heard of some great advancement of society coming from Iowa, that’s for sure. But I digress. So a caucus is some sort of prize to be won? What value does it have? Is it bigger than a breadbox but smaller than a refrigerator? Are they rare? It sounds sort of like a tropical bird with a large beak, like a toucan. What do they eat? Can they fly? If I had a caucus, I’d let it fly around and train it to carry packages and drop birdy bombs on my enemies. Perhaps I’d open a business where my caucus carried packages as a sort of mail service for others. Of course, the other mailmen would be angry and more than a little jealous, wishing that they had a caucus of their own to do their work for them, which is where the birdy bombs come in. If I had a caucus, I’d have it fly a letter to the Clintons asking for their caucus in exchange for 30% off my mail service for packages under five pounds, but it would be okay because, if they gave me their caucus, then I would double my income, thus nullifying the discount and making everyone happy.