Let’s get sad

Hello, readers. It’s me again, reporting from the bottom of an ice cream tub. It’s time yet again for the most bitter time of year, Valentine’s Day. I know that it’s hard out there for us single folks when the air is filled with heart balloons and the smell of chocolate confections, so I’ve taken it upon myself to climb out of my den of indulgence and send some helpful tips on how to survive yet another year alone. So hop in your empty bed and grab something self destructive while you read my seven tips on how to survive the week.

 

  1. Eat. Never stop.

Shovel it in. Cheese, bread, grease, it’s all good. The more you clog your arteries, the more you fill the void in your cold, black, heart. The only names you should be thinking this Valentine’s are Ben & Jerry. If your jaw stops, the pain starts.

 

  1. Seek companionship.

Dogs, cats, birds, just not people. Human love is fickle and fragile, hard to gain but easy to lose. Animal love is for forever. If you scratch a dog’s ears, it’ll love you unconditionally forever, unlike that jerk Jessica.

 

  1. Turn off your phone and lock it away.

Contact with the outside world will only lead to relapse. Lock yourself away from the world, away from the pain. Close your shades, lock your doors, turn off the lights, and refuse visitors. You don’t need anyone. You are stronger than that. The world wants to abandon you? You abandon it.

 

  1. Wash away the pain.

Showers are always nice. Step into the cleansing waters, wash away the pain. Scrub it off, like shedding an old skin. Let your old self wash down the drain. You’re better than that now. Look at you, you’re filthy. Wash away that shame glaze and repaint your emotional walls.

 

  1. Avoid romantic movies

It may be nice to watch the success of others, but life doesn’t always imitate art. Sometimes you just need to accept that love is dead and everything is fake. Seeing movies like that will only depress you more. Try something more distracting, with lots of explosions.

 

  1. Nothing on the inside, nothing on the outside.

Nothing on the inside, nothing on the outside. Nothing on the inside, nothing on the outside. Nothing on the inside, nothing on the outside. Nothing on the inside, nothing on the outside. Nothing on the inside, nothing on the outside.

 

  1. Stay away from fire.

Flames. So fragile, but yet so powerful. They could be blown away on the breeze, or burn down the world. It could be so easy, just burn it all down and rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Then you could never be blown out. You’d be eternal, untouched and invincible.

 

With these seven helpful tips and tricks, you too can feel again once the holiday is over. There is one thing to always keep in mind: it all will end eventually. Everything has a beginning and an end, suffering included.