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The First Sign of the Apocalypse: Leo Wins an Oscar

Nathan Watts

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On February 28th, 2016, the night of the Oscar awards, a crowd waited with baited breath for Julianne Moore to announce this year’s award for Best Actor. At the same time half a world away, the seal of Azremok The Forbidden was broken and his evil curse descended upon the world, altering reality and probability, and allowing Leonardo DiCaprio to finally win an Oscar. With this event now triggered, we can expect volcanic eruptions, seas of fire, and amphibian-based rain for the next seven years until the birth of The Chosen One, son of the ninth gate, birthed of fire and ice.

Reports are coming in that the animal carcass that Leo slept in on the site of the filming of The Revenant was actually at the center of a massive sacrificial circle, carved in the trees so no one could see. This was considered by the Demon Code’s 46th amendment as a ritual sacrifice. Director of The Revenant, Alejandro Iñárritu, has gone on record saying that he had no prior knowledge of the apparent blood sacrifice, and thus has been acquitted by The High Council.

In other news, the monks of Al’Krenad are offering a sum of 3,000 golden shekels to any band of warriors willing to venture into hell to recall the skeleton hordes of Beelzebub which have surfaced in Detroit, Michigan, raising the market housing value by a surprisingly large amount. Apparently people would rather live inside the wrecked husk of a skeleton-riddled sewer system than a standard Detroit tenement complex.

Now for next week’s weather:

Monday: Make sure to bring an umbrella as 10 foot tidal waves wrack the coast, bringing in a storm front of 30 mph winds and sub-zero temperatures. Make sure to look out for fissures while driving, as AAA has reported that they will be closing their doors until they can douse the eternal flame that has engulfed their first born children.

Tuesday: Get ready for picnic weather as the Earth’s sun moves 20 million miles closer to our planet’s surface. You may want to crank up the A.C. and make sure to pick up some extra sunscreen.

Wednesday: Prepare a bucket of goat’s blood to paint on your door frame as Death incarnate passes through. Avoid high places when some lightning storms roll through as God forsakes us all and begins smiting.

Thursday: The U.S. Department of Defense is urging swimmers to stay away from the ocean and has issued a formal Godzilla warning for the short remainder of civilization.

Friday: Bundle up tight as nuclear winter sets in. You might want to refrain from turning up the heat as the Dinosaurs re-animate, thus drying up international oil reserves and spelling doom for the continental US.

Saturday: Clear your schedules and prepare for a tough millennium as our alien overlords return from the edge if the universe to enslave us all for another thousand years.

Sunday: All hail our supreme overlord, Groznak The Merciless, may his reign be long and cruel!
So Leo, if you’re reading this, enjoy your accomplishment! You really earned it, and it’s long overdo! I hope it was worth it.

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The First Sign of the Apocalypse: Leo Wins an Oscar