Spirit Weakness
What a good time to be a senior! As you may have heard, Spirit Week is coming up, and I, for one, feel extremely confident about my chances as a member of the Class of 2015. Winning Spirit Week is just one of the many experiences I plan to enjoy as a Senior over the next 3 months. Since I’m a typical representative of our class, allow me to lead you through the mystical journey on which I, and the rest of my esteemed classmates, will embark very soon.
The magic starts next week, when I’ll get to help represent the Seniors in Spirit Week. Trust us, we’ve been in complete, harmonious agreement about our Air Band theme for quite a while now. This is all thanks to the consummate leadership of thebureaucraticwonderful people on our Executive Council. We’re so lucky to have such in-touch, thoughtful guys and gals to make most of our decisions for us without asking. It really helps us come together and create a strong, winning performance, as we have for the past 3 years.
During each day of the week, I’ll enjoy laughing at the Freshmen, Sophomores and Juniors who actually go to the trouble of dressing up to match the day’s theme, winning points for their class. What nerds! Everyone knows that trying to win Spirit Week is lame, as is coming to school in general. Luckily, I know what it means to be cool, so I’ll just dress normally like most other seniors, and that won’t matter, because I’ll probably just cut class anyway! Ahh, I love 2015.
I WILL make sure I show up to after-school events, though. In fact, I’ll let you in on a little secret: The Class of 2015 is unique, in that we let other classes win these events. We really care about others’ feelings, and we enjoy the satisfaction we get from watching joyous little freshmen crush us in Bombardment. It’s a heart-warming thing. I mean, why did you THINK we come in last in most events? We’re just that nice. You’re welcome.
I’ll get to relax at home after my event, but only for a little while, because then I get to go to... wait for it... Air Band practice! Being a Class of 2015 boy, of course I’m obligated to smoke quite a bit of marijuana, and wash it down with copious amounts of alcohol, right before practice. That way, I can show
up hopelessly intoxicated! The gentlemen in this great class have made a point of utilizing illicit drugs to help make us more productive in our practices, and our results speak for themselves. Once I’m at practice, during the occasional hour-and- a-half breaks we take to screw around, I’ll make sure to pay close attention to the interchangeable shrill girls yelling at me. Being members of the Executive Council, they have our routine meticulously planned, and are great at getting us to execute it properly. So, you can look forward to a close-to- perfect Air Band from me and my friends in the Class of 2015.
At the end of the week, I’ll be sure to go to the Spirit Week Dance. Because what could be better than paying 20 dollars to stand around in a dark gym, listening to ear-splitting pop music? I, like any real person, will leave the dance after 5 minutes. After all, tradition dictates that we allow our pals the Juggalos to use the gym for the remainder of the evening. But I’ll make sure I’ve been counted, so I can earn even more Spirit Week points for the seniors -- points which, as we know, matter greatly, and make a real difference.
Once Spirit Week is over, I won’t have any time to be bummed out about it; it’ll be time to start thinking about the senior project! Oh boy, am I excited about this opportunity. Instead of going to 2 weeks of extremely relaxed class time, I plan on working at least 50 hours for a company I don’t know or care about. The best part is, I don’t get paid! Isn’t that swell?
After my diligent intern work is done, I’ll finally get to graduate. I’m itching with anticipation for marching practice; I just can’t wait to be coached for 3 hours on how to walk incredibly slowly in a scorching gown that makes me look like a tool! When I actually do graduate, of course I’ll be more than happy to permeate the summer air with the toxic fumes of a stogie, or whatever they’re called.
Well, we seniors have quite a journey ahead of us. I’m giddily anticipating the next 3 months of laughter, happiness and friendship. Because after all, magic is real, unicorns are your friends, and our school is perfectly structurally sound. We seniors are on a good course to live happily ever after.
The End