Question: I have a crush on this girl in my math class, so I tried to follow her on Instagram, but she never added me back. I think she might like another guy that she sits next to, but I’m not sure! I’m really scared to talk to her, but I want to ask her to be my Valentine

Dear Enamored Equation Cruncher,

I’m sorry to hear about your online obstacles. Sounds like you’re in the middle of a love triangle, but luckily for you, I’m here to solve your problems and help you rizz up your acute-y pie. The time of love is upon us, and Valentine’s Day is the best time to declare your ever-dying admiration. When it comes to crushes, the best thing to do is to be like basic mathematics—straightforward and to the point. 

Try to start up some sizzling conversation in the DMs to see if she’ll follow you back. You could start by finding your greatest common factors, or ask her about her interests. For example, “Who’s your favorite music artist? What’s your favorite movie? What’s your favorite geometric shape?” You could also try either asking for help or collaborating on a tricky math problem. While doing this, sneak in some pickup lines. Here are some she’ll be sure to love: “Is this the pasture of love? Because I’m grazing on the beauty of ewe” or “If you agree to be my Valentine, all my problems will be polygon.” You need to tap into the distributive property by giving her flowers and asking her to be your Valentine.

Sincerely,

Bunky