The Herd


David Behrens, Writer

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     Are you feeling the love, KHS? I am. It’s currently
saturating the cold winter air and permeating my lungs like
magic, or arsenic. It can only mean one thing: It’s almost
Valentine’s Day in Kennebunk! So wake up, smell the roses, and
grab your wallets, because it’s time to celebrate.
     Valentine’s Day is a very important holiday custom in which
guys, pressured by societal standards, peer pressure, and
passive-aggressive nagging, spend approximately 3 times the
monetary value of their existence on a variety of pink stuff.
Meanwhile, their target audience, girls, are off educating the
world about what a corporate scam Valentine’s Day is, because
after all, free chocolate carries a lot of stress. After
observing the customs of being generally awkward and going to
Physics class, society usually goes to my house, finishes some
homework, and tries to fall asleep without hating itself.
However, because February 14, 2015 is a Saturday, society will
sleep in and then go to work.
     Okay, that’s just me (sorry you had to hear that). People
do a lot of things on Valentine’s Day, suffice it to say that
many make a point to spend some quality time with bae. Others
try to attain bae. Generally, people are compelled to consider
bae, but what if we stopped thinking about things like that?
Chocolate, flowers, and money are always in everyone’s face, and
that’s fine. But I say we start to rethink this holiday, and I
say we make it more introvert-friendly.
     How do you recreate Valentine’s Day in the spirit of being
single and depressing, but ALSO fun? There are a few options.
The first, most obvious is to rename it Behrens day, but people
would probably either spell it wrong or confuse the founder for
his brother Josh. Another way is to simply ignore it. Many brave
souls have attempted this in the past, punctuating their effort
with Twitter-based public service announcements such as, “LOOK
IT’S POINTLESS, WHO’S WITH ME?! #SinglePplRule2k15.”
     Because you have probably never read about what a
commercialized load of garbage (pronounced gar-BAHJ) Valentine’s
Day is, let me educate you. The giant, heartless entity known as
Corporate America, as it must have during 2014 Midterm Elections, 
has brainwashed this great nation’s impressionable
citizens. Ordinary people (who, let me assure you, are
INCREDIBLY smart and not naive whatsoever) are being cruelly
tricked by corporations (or, as Mitt Romney would say, ‘people’)
into buying all of the frilly, colorful Valentine’s Day
commodities they sell. How dare Corporate America take a sacred
holiday such as Valentine’s Day and contaminate it with
consumerism?! Just because increases in consumerism increase
Aggregate Demand, cause wide profit margins for market entities
and stimulate the economy, these evil companies think they have
the right to force you to buy things! How dare they!
     Apart from being brainwashed sheep, our fine students can
have fun on Valentine’s Day by getting started on their February
breaks. In possibly the most pointless vacation of the year,
students have a full week to sit inside, watch Netflix, and
forget what they’ve learned since Christmas break. So,
Valentine’s Day, in a metaphorically significant way, is the
perfect gateway to a week of lethargy, missed opportunities, and
comfort food.
     So forget the stress of the season, the holiday hype, and
any responsibility you have. It’s Valentine’s Day after all, so
treat yourself to some sugary treats and spend your day being
either extremely happy or completely depressed, based on your
relationship status. Speaking of which, I have one final
announcement: I personally will have to, effective whenever
y’all read this, close off my availability to prospective baes.
I just can’t risk attracting that many gold diggers shortly
after this groundbreaking article makes me rich, famous, and the
target of bullying accusations from the Kennebunk Moms. Ladies
and gentlemen, temporarily bury your heartbreak, because after
all, once Valentine’s Day is over, we can look forward to
(Dramatic Pause)
Prom Season!
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