The Herd

Silence of the Hams

Suspicious Characters Hamming it Up in Maine?

Nathan Watts, Author

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






There’s a man made trail through the woods of Cumberland county Maine. At the end of this trail, so it is said, is an abandoned greenhouse. Children say mimes live there. County police haven’t been able to confirm these claims, but police reports from October 1st reveal “suspicious characters in white face paint… pretending to lure children into the woods.” These supposed mimes were seen pantomiming fishing hooks and lassos onto passing children, and then struggling to drag them away by their immaterial bonds. When confronted, they scattered back into the woods on invisible motorcycles, horses, bikes, and other fake vehicles.

Travellers through this area have also reported seeing these mysterious mimes along the path while hiking through the forest. They were seen leaning against thin air, puffing frosty breath through their mouths like cigarette smoke, and rudely flicking invisible ashes at hikers’ feet. One irate hiker confronted these mimes and reported, “the more I yelled, the more of them came out. There must have been at least twelve! So I started booking it out of the woods as fast as I could, I’m never going back in there!”

Some local citizens are considering these mimes as a terrorist threat, saying that their purpose is to sow fear in Mainers, just as terror cells such as ISIS terrorize Americans. Others think that this assumption is extreme and illogical. “We don’t know their intentions,” says Charlie Kowalski of Biddeford, Maine, “as far as we know, it’s just some punk kids getting ready for Halloween. To say they’re the same as actual murderers is frankly ridiculous!”

However you feel about them, these painted patriarchs of pandemonium and their forest of mysteries are still under investigation, and the authorities are urging citizens to stay away from wooded areas until they know more about the masquerading menace of these maniacal mimes.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

1 Comment

One Response to “Silence of the Hams”

  1. Mr. Young on November 1st, 2016 4:18 am

    Painted patriarchs of pandemonium? If I were the swearing type I’d swear you had a terrific time writing these fabulous, fanciful, fantastic facts.

    Keep up the wonderful work!

    Mr. Yammering Young

If you want a picture to show with your comment, go get a gravatar.




Navigate Right
Navigate Left
  • Silence of the Hams

    Watts he thinking?

    Allow Me to Indulge

  • Silence of the Hams

    Entertainment

    The Silver Lining

  • Silence of the Hams

    Spotlights

    Really, Guys?

  • Silence of the Hams

    Watts he thinking?

    Realising the Essence of America

  • Silence of the Hams

    Student Life

    KHS Freshman Prosperity Guide

  • Silence of the Hams

    Watts he thinking?

    The Future In Our Skin

  • Silence of the Hams

    Student Life

    The Perfect Promposal

  • Entertainment

    There Were Never Snakes In Ireland

  • Silence of the Hams

    Watts he thinking?

    The First Sign of the Apocalypse: Leo Wins an Oscar

  • Watts he thinking?

    Let’s get sad

Kennebunk High School's quarterly magazine
Silence of the Hams