Okay, reader. Stand back, take a deep breath, and congratulate yourself. The first quarter of the school year is over, and you made it to the other side! You may have been stressed, depressed, or inappropriately dressed, but you did your best. Anyway, the good news is that you can now enjoy the rest period that comes after first quarter — you know, the little break you get to take before beginning second quarter work.

Ha ha! Obviously, I’m kidding. Did you honestly think that, after two months of work and a recent rush to get assignments in, that you’d get a break? Come on, you freshman. Principal Cressey would never allow that. Basically, we’re barrelling right into Q2, working as hard as ever.

I know, I know: It’s a serious crime of nature. Almost more so than twerking, or diet soda. But what do we do? I might tell you to complain about having to do work, but personally, I think that’s getting a bit old. Besides, you have more interesting things to complain about (like grammatical flaws on social media websites, or athletes’ salaries). So I’m just going to sit this one out, and let you figure out what to do amongst yourselves. Maybe I’ll take a sabbatical. Deal with it.

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Okay, forget that. Let’s be honest: Complaining is interesting. If it wasn’t, we wouldn’t do it so much; heck, Chris Matthews would probably be out of a job. So basically, I’m doing you a favor. I’m showing you how to be what you’re meant to be. You’re welcome.

On to more serious matters, now. We haven’t pointed out society’s flaws enough in the past month or so, so let’s get it done.

-PSATS: If you’re a sophomore or junior, and you may have a chance at winning a National Merit Scholarship, this test may be mildly important to you. So try hard, both of you. Everyone else, have fun panicking on the inside while trying to write a pledge statement in cursive.

-Homecoming:

-Bonfire: Trust us, there’s a point to this.

-Football game: Watch sports and ask the returning college students why the team wasn’t this good when they were on it (#JaceValls)

-Dance: Trust me, I know this topic front to back. I mean, front to front. Sorry.

-KHS Math Team: I don’t want to talk about it.

-The government shutdown: Armageddon wasn’t so bad after all.

-Colder weather: Okay, I’m talking about the weather. I guess this is just awkward, at this point.

So that’s about it. Let’s go back to what I was pretending to be interested in at the top of the article: The first quarter. It’s over, and you deserve at least a LITTLE time off. There are two ways to do this. You could always (preferably as a class) explain the stress of the last week or two, and try and get some relief in the form of sympathy. OR, when your teacher is about to assign homework, distract him or her with shiny objects, such as sleigh bells, or keys. But remember: School is your job. It is the job that you get to pay to do for 13-17 straight years. So work hard, and if you become a teacher, hit ’em hard right when it is least appropriate.

Kennebunk High School football rules!