Shut Up About “The Dress”

David Behrens


     This bizarre fad will last a couple days, tops, so I have
to say this quick: Calm the collective heck down, society. In
regards to what, you may ask? Listen to the heated debate of
your smartphone-donning friends five feet away and you’ll
quickly understand: The Dress.
     I don’t exactly know what’s going on here, much like many
other members of society (also known as ‘people with literally
anything important to do’), but I’ve got an idea. So,
apparently, there’s this dress, and there’s a picture of it, and
some people think it’s white and gold, whereas others think it’s
blue and black (spoiler: it’s white and gold). The disparity
over a simple visual perception has got Twitter and our entire
school up in arms. OVER A FREAKING DRESS. I don’t know about
you, Rampage reader(s), but I think this is kind of ridiculous.
     How did this get started? When will it end? Why is it so
important? These are questions that I can’t answer personally,
but society may attempt to do it for me. Made-up sources Girl A
(We’ll call her “Suzie”) and Guy B (Let’s say “Karl”) both had
opinions to offer.
     “The dress is, like, totally blue and black,” Suzie assures
me. Karl, hearing this, bustles over.
     “No, see, look, it’s CLEARLY white and gold,” Karl says
self-importantly, turning up his nose before Suzie punches him
in the face. The two proceed to violently fight, physically and
verbally, for the next hour... OVER A FREAKING DRESS. Then Karl
sues me for a previous Rampage article because apparently the
truth is “offensive.”
     Anyway, this is the most interesting way I can portray this
debate. A fist fight. It’s really pretty stupid, not to mention
downright boring. At the time of writing, people have cared
about this issue for 15 straight hours, and are still getting
     The WORST part of this whole thing is the group of people
(excepting myself) who try to show that they’re above simple
nattering by talking about it in a different way. “Well, the
science of The Dress is actually really interesting,” sneers
Girl C (Yvette), frantically scrolling down the Buzzfeed
explanation on her smartphone. “See, light perception can vary
based on whether you’re nearsighted or farsighted, and your
mood, because of your brain’s connection to sensors in your
retinae, and blah blah and also blah, so obviously the whole way
we perceive the blah is blah because of Bush did 9/11 blah.”
Okay, maybe Yvette’s a bit crazy (or “cray,”), but I’m hearing
this kind of gar-bahj EVERYWHERE (and all OVER A FREAKING
DRESS). Yeah, you can spell “retinae,” with a little help, but
can you say “pretentious?”
     Now, I know just how obnoxious it can be for people around
the school and social media to act holier-than-thou by nagging
everyone to talk about more important things. The thing is,
those whiny fools are kind of right. Moreover, by using this
online newspaper medium, it seems I am more important than any
of them. Ha ha ha. The point is, there are better things for
people to care about. What people are REALLY passionate about is
shown by what they argue about in person, not just by
pretentiously retweeting some Associated Press report about
     And out of all the things to cause societal uproar (ever
since the Grammys), we chose A FREAKING DRESS! Why can’t we come
to some new conclusions about ISIS? Where’s the discussion about
tax rates? Heck, kids these days are ten times more concerned
with whether A FREAKING DRESS is black and blue than they ever
were about Chris Brown making Rihanna black and blue by beating
the daylights out of her (dear world-- this happened). So I say
we drop this subject entirely. Get it out of your system. And
then study up on one of these much more exciting topics:
     -Boko Haram
     -The new renovation outline
     -The futility of our ‘secret senior project’
     -The upcoming KHS ‘Fiddler on the Roof’ production
     -Hilary Clinton’s claim that she and Bill were extremely 
poor (“Dead Broke”) after leaving the White House (to be fair,
Bill’s website subscriptions get pretty pricey [I ripped that
joke off from NPR])

     -Creative Ways to ask David Behrens to prom
Alright, so I hope your research goes well! Remember to see
Fiddler tonight, and if you’re just reading this article weeks
after its release, good luck struggling to remember when there
was ever an argument over a dress. Have fun in the future!
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