David Behrens, Writer

Not that I’m a romantic expert (as far as I know), but I take it from my sweaty palms and awkward disposition that Prom season is upon us. The high school is abuzz with rumors, a fluttering sense of apprehension, and, as usual, drugs (but more about that later). The typical questions have arisen: Which freshmen are going? Who has the best tux or dress? Why isn’t Mr. Viola allowed to go with students who look older than him? These questions and more will of course be answered in this account of love, youth, and “Promposals,” which, incidentally, is the second-­worst word hybrid in existence, shortly behind “Brangelina.”

First, by request, a short paragraph dedicated to the following point of order: SOMEONE PLEASE ASK DANIEL BEHRENS TO PROM. Step up to the plate, upperclassman girls. My adorable freshman brother is dying for an opportunity to treat you right.

Now that that’s taken care of, let’s discuss a related controversy: Who asks who? While I’m generally a fan of operating under anachronistic stigmata, I think a certain one is unacceptable: That which insinuates that guys have to ask girls. What kind of garbage is that? As a dedicated feminist, I’d say girls have every right to ask a guy with whom they want to go to Prom. Furthermore, as a pathetic little geek, I’d condone this idea because I don’t want to do it myself. Honestly, I believe that girls who ask guys do so because they have confidence and motivation, which are very attractive qualities. So go ahead and ask him. Ask that guy– ­­ the smart one, who makes you laugh, and uses big words at the beginning of this paragraph. He may just say yes.

Then, of course, you have the Freshman Dilemma. What’s acceptable, and what’s not? Can a freshman ask an upperclassman? Does asking a freshman (other than Dan Behrens) make you seem desperate? Will they insist on bringing a 2­-ton backpack with them? Thankfully, you still have the freedom to answer these questions for yourself (take that, Obama). But if you want my own input, asking a freshman other than Dan Behrens may cause you to overlook other, more enticing options, such as asking Dave Behrens. Just my humble opinion.

You may expect someone such as myself to produce a thorough dissertation on how to deal with rejection. Unfortunately, my only suggestions are to feel bad about yourself, be sad, cry, eat your feelings, and ask Dan Behrens. Luckily, you can do all these things in the space of approximately 15 minutes (10 if you’re efficient), leaving you time to get on with your life, because after all, you have just been told that another person is not willing to attend a meaningless high school drama­-fest with you. There are more depressing things to worry about, like ISIS, or how to blow off your Senior Project. So calm down!

My final thoughts are that Prom is a complicated time for many people (other than hicks and Juggalos. You do you). But we can all cope through the use of friendship, narcotics, and hugs. You may be saying, “Dave. you didn’t even give us Dan Behrens’s phone number!” And that’s due to my disrespect for the tech­ obsessed young people who are too intimidated to talk to him in person. But to conclude this ever­-applicable guide to Prom life, I’ll restate the classic adage: “YES. WE. CAN.”

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