Silence of the Hams

Suspicious Characters Hamming it Up in Maine?

Nathan Watts, Author

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There’s a man made trail through the woods of Cumberland county Maine. At the end of this trail, so it is said, is an abandoned greenhouse. Children say mimes live there. County police haven’t been able to confirm these claims, but police reports from October 1st reveal “suspicious characters in white face paint… pretending to lure children into the woods.” These supposed mimes were seen pantomiming fishing hooks and lassos onto passing children, and then struggling to drag them away by their immaterial bonds. When confronted, they scattered back into the woods on invisible motorcycles, horses, bikes, and other fake vehicles.

Travellers through this area have also reported seeing these mysterious mimes along the path while hiking through the forest. They were seen leaning against thin air, puffing frosty breath through their mouths like cigarette smoke, and rudely flicking invisible ashes at hikers’ feet. One irate hiker confronted these mimes and reported, “the more I yelled, the more of them came out. There must have been at least twelve! So I started booking it out of the woods as fast as I could, I’m never going back in there!”

Some local citizens are considering these mimes as a terrorist threat, saying that their purpose is to sow fear in Mainers, just as terror cells such as ISIS terrorize Americans. Others think that this assumption is extreme and illogical. “We don’t know their intentions,” says Charlie Kowalski of Biddeford, Maine, “as far as we know, it’s just some punk kids getting ready for Halloween. To say they’re the same as actual murderers is frankly ridiculous!”

However you feel about them, these painted patriarchs of pandemonium and their forest of mysteries are still under investigation, and the authorities are urging citizens to stay away from wooded areas until they know more about the masquerading menace of these maniacal mimes.

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