College Applications hit me with a bus and throw my corpse in a woodchipper

Brian Foisy, Editor in Chief

It’s that time of year again when college applications have come, and everyone needs to know about it all the time. In fact, it’s the main topic of discussion for anyone in the senior class. Every so often, I feel compelled to tell a group of people to take it down a notch. Now is one of those times. 

I understand your hype. From many people’s perspective, these college applications can seem like the most momentous task of their lifetimes so far. Everything before this point has led up to this, and everything that follows will be because of it. But what I think we could all be a little more sensible about is the volume to which we speak on it.  What follows will be a series of tips and tricks to not annoy every other person around you. 

 

1.Nobody really cares

I say this with the utmost respect to everyone filling out their applications: nobody really cares about your plight. 75% of the school doesn’t know what the hell everyone’s going on about in the senior class. And everyone else in the senior class is too consumed in their own application to care about yours. 

If your goal is to empathize with the struggles of your classmates, you’re not doing that. What you’re really doing is this…

 

2. Please for the love of all that is holy, don’t brag-complain

We’ve all heard this before. Here’s an example for those who’ve forgotten: “I’m so ~ t i r e d ~ right now. I stayed up all night getting all 37 supplemental essays I have just to realize that, since I’m applying to all honors colleges, I actually had 147 to write.” 

To the untrained ear, this excerpt seems innocent. What’s the big deal? This person’s really tired, and they have a lot on their plate? 

But if you listen closely, you’ll find the trouble within the brag-complain, the part about all of the honors colleges. You see, nobody will fall for your “oh woe is me” charade when you pepper in a brag about how smart and special you are. It doesn’t make me feel bad for you; it makes me feel bad for me. 

 

3. Don’t prognosticate on which college you’ll definitely get in to

“Yeah, actually, my reaches are Harvard and Yale, but I’ll definitely get into those, so I guess it’s not really a reach amirite?”

Nobody wants to know about that top Ivy League school that you’re sure to get into. The two consequences of this are:

  1. A) you sound like a massive dweeb, and 
  2. B) you might not even get in. 

I may actually scratch this one off the list because I really want to keep a running list of all the schools everyone is sure they’ll get into just so when the decisions roll in, I can do a little checkup on who actually got in. 

“Oh, so you didn’t get into Yale? Oh well, it says here that you were definitely were getting in. So what you’re really saying is, you’re a dirty liar.”

 

4. Don’t brag about committing to a club sport

“Yeah, I’m actually committing to play club lacrosse at the University of Alabama, Huntsville. Yeah, it’s actually a pretty big deal.”

No. No, it isn’t a big deal.

The only thing you’ll get out of that is a picture of you in front of the NCAA logo and a sprained ankle. 

 

5. Don’t brag about your recommendations

“Yeah, actually, Buzz Aldrin and the late Ella Fitzgerald are actually big family friends, and they both went to Wake Forest, so I’m getting a recommendation from both of them, isn’t that just amazing?”

Yes, the 100% real letter, full of their actual experiences with you. No. Do you really think a teacher would choose to speak poorly of you in a recommendation? What’s in it for them? 

This is a complete fabrication from the moment you tell them what to focus on to the moment they sneak a peak to you on Naviance Eve, and you make them incorporate a few last-minute edits. 

You could get a more accurate representation of your character from your pet goldfish. 

 

6. Don’t brag about your deadline

Early Action, Early Decision, Regular Decision, Expedited Decision, Economy Action – who cares? 

Next!

 

7. Don’t be judgy about other people’s application

It doesn’t matter how many more words on supplements you have than other people. It doesn’t matter if their schools don’t need supplements, and it doesn’t matter if they require a hundred. 

Different strokes for different folks. This is a process, an important one, too, and not everyone is going to be the same. Which leads me to my next point:

 

8. Everyone isn’t applying to college, (and more people shouldn’t)

College is often heralded in the educational world as a must.

Not everyone is going to want to go to college. For a lot of people spending thousands (or hundreds of thousands) of dollars on an endeavor that may never pay off is insane. 

Many people also don’t know what they want to do right out of high school. Taking a breather from the traditional path may be better for people in the long run. 

 

Well, that’s the end of that. Good luck to all the seniors at Kennebunk.  We’re glad we won’t hear you obsessing for too much longer. 

 

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