Well, it’s that time again: Time to obsessively check medal counts, hope your favorite athlete wins gold and doesn’t break himself (or herself), and wait a few hours for the quarterfinals of a mildly interesting event to occur at approximately 3:27 A.M.

So, you may be wondering: What can I do as an American citizen during this time of international competition? Well, in true Rampage form, I have for you some really useful study tips for the Olympic season.

No, just kidding. Can you imagine? Anyway, let’s talk sports.

The Olympics are in Very Chi Sochi, Russia, this year; an interesting venue, considering recent tensions between Russia and the only other country with a say in what matters: The good ol’ USA (Ah-MUHR-Ih-Cuh). One must realize that there is no way the IOC would have actually picked Sochi simply because of this, for two reasons: Firstly, because no one else in the world cares whatsoever. Also, these decisions are made approximately 37,00 years in advance.

What really drives the worrisome tensions between the Americans and the Soviets happy, free Russian people comes down to leadership. There has been a lot of discussion amongst Americans lately concerning Vladimir “Bad Vlad” Putin, and for good reason: the man is an enigma. Whether spreading exaggerated propaganda about being a tough, superhero-like outdoorsman (that IS true, look it up), disagreeing with Obama in a way that makes Americans really upset (i.e. anti-homosexual laws), or disagreeing with Obama in a way that Americans appreciate (i.e. that whole Syria thing), Putin is constantly doing one thing, one certain thing that the Americans may not yet have picked up on yet:

Wearing that same really weird look on his face.

You can look at any photo of Putin. He will have that same look on his face, no matter the occasion. He could find out his school’s renovation didn’t get passed, and as potentially evil as he may be, he almost definitely wouldn’t smile. Is he some sort of robot? No. Is he insane? Not our decision. What matters is that he is investing quite a lot of time, energy, and human lives effort on these games. He has poured litres upon litres of blood, sweat, and tears (and maybe something of his own, too) into making Sochi a success. And on a personal scale of judgment, I would award him 4 out of 5 Snowflakes for that.

But what are the Olympics about, anyway? Sports, that’s what! There is a remarkable field of athletes from the U.S. who are perfectly capable of very mildly screwing up, winning a couple of bronze medals in the first week, and then eventually winning in a landslide for some reason. For instance, we have Bode Miller, who will try not to fall down because it exacerbates his arthritis, and whose great-grandchildren are expected to compete the next winter games. We also have biathlon skier Julia Mancuso, originally called Womancuso before her monstrous athletic powers were discovered, and speed skater Apolo Ohno. Ohno, wait, he isn’t in this one. I make myself laugh. Anyway, the real story is Shaun White, trying to win a 3rd straight snowboard halfpipe gold medal with his new haircut. These Americans and a record amount of over 200 nameless others will be representing the true American spirit: lots of Americans getting in everyone’s face and annoying the rest of the world.

Well, there you have it: the Winter Games. Truly a time of national unity, international friendship, and fun costumes. Nothing super crazy has happened yet, but I have a feeling something just might (My vote goes for Dennis Rodman unprecedentedly showing up dressed as Justin Bieber). But you know what would be really crazy? Having some readers. Have a fun February, internet ghosts. See you next time.